Not A Peep Out of You

Exactly how empathetic do I need to be to the woman traveling with three children?  And a nanny?  And her Kindle, which she's paying more attention to than the three extremely loud children that the nanny obviously can't quiet down, and who have now been screaming, "Mommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommy" for nearly an hour.

I've tried drowning it out with my iPod, to no avail.

Someone should steal this idea for Survivor.  Trying to answer 100 emails on a Friday night before the plane lands has to be harder than rolling an oversize crate through the jungle.

I love February.  Sweeps month means the season-long series are building to a climax (nothing like building to a climax...) and the reality shows are in full froth.  Jordan and Jeff, who met on Big Brother, are competing on the Amazing Race.  He's the nicest guy ever to be on a reality show and she rode his coattails to a win.  And she can't tell time.  That may not be a problem when you're occupying the same 1500 square feet for 90 days, but when you're racing around the world, through timed challenges and airports I imagine not knowing what "a quarter to three" means is a problem.

On American Idol, the addition of Ellen DeGeneres appears to be a ratings hit, though am I the only whose noticed that something about her hair color and style, her eyes, and the make up they have her wearing makes her look like a kewpie doll?  Seriously, she looks like a comic book character or a marionette.  Meanwhile, Kara DioGuardi has apparently turned into a cougar.  I had to rewind one episode to confirm that she actually made a 19 year old boy take his shirt off (it was SO not worth it.)  When the kid ultimately made it to the Top 24, the way she hugged him was like something from the 80s movie My Tutor. (Note: the clip from the auditions episode is apparently so risque, that it's been taken down by Yahoo!Video and by YouTube for "terms of use" violations.  Considering both of these websites currently have videos of busty women performing some  bikini mud wrestling and a bodybuilder grinding the gym floor in a jock strap, I'm guessing that Fox played a role in getting these videos removed.  It kills me that Fox thinks the American Idol brand has to be kept squeaky clean.  Past seasons have including a variety of strippers, sex workers, and other persons of questionable judgment.  In fact, the contestant in question here, Casey James, has a criminal record.)

But the Reality Show I am most interested in watching premieres on Thursday... the televised White House negotiations over Health Care reform.  President Obama has invited congressional Democrats and Republicans to complete the historic reform of health care that might actually provide equitable access to health insurance for all Americans, lower the deficit, prevent people from going bankrupt just because they get sick, and enable companies to actually hire workers and give raises rather than spending all their money on subsidizing ever-growing health insurance costs.  It might actually stop corporations that make tremendous profits, which do not get passed along to their employees, but get swallowed up by grotesque executive pay packages - profits that are driven by taking premiums from their plan participants but not actually paying any claims.

Or not.

Why do I have a feeling we're in for another round of the "I'm-right-and-you're-wrong-song?"

And as frustrated as I am with the President for having turned over the process to Congress, thus ceding the message, wasting a year, and obscuring the benefits of the bill with the process by which it was created; and as annoying as it is that Congressional Democrats still haven't learned how to play hardball, or take a strong progressive stand rather than always trying to split the difference, while Congressional Republicans - when in power - push through the most divisive reactionary agenda and get Democrats to vote for it by creating a fear that they'll look weak rather than principled; and as stupid as it seems that the Republicans claim to hate government but always want to run it and act like spoiled children when they're not in charge while the Democrats always just want to prove government can work so they vote for stuff even when they're out of power, making the Republicans look competent - the real frustration is all of this is a cheat.  The Democrats want to govern so badly, simply to prove government works, but can't.  Meanwhile, the Republicans undo Democrats (when Democrats are in power) by claiming that government doesn't work, and is the problem, then block everything, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Is America so stupid that people don't realize that, when Republicans foment public concern about government's competence it is because the Republicans themselves are intentionally blocking accomplishments simply to create that impression for the sole craven purpose of winning elections, so they can run the government.

So, I'm not expecting much from this televised event - though, if it pre-empts Survivor, it better at least be as entertaining.

Meanwhile, at Walgreen's (I was in Chicago this week, and is there any drug store more fun than Walgreen's?) the passage of Valentine's Day means the arrival of Easter Candy.  With a purchasing window nearly as long as the post-Halloween Christmas candy run, Easter provides just as much time - but much better candy.

I had the first Peep of the season, and it was the freshest yellowest tastiest Peep I've ever eaten.

(Peep Guide:  Yellow - or "classic" Peeps are the gold standard of candy.  Chewy, squishy, unapologetically created in a lab, and coated with a color not found in nature and a sugar that is so fine and granular, it's like the beaches of Maui.  Blue and purple Peeps are more of an evening Peep - appropriate for the longer sunsets that accompany March, while sea green and orange Peeps should be avoided at all costs.  Peeps associated with other holidays - ghosts and cats for Halloween, hearts for Valentine's Day, snowmen for Christmas, etc - are a nice transition Peep; the Peep that holds you over to Easter - but the Easter Peeps are the real deal.  For the truly adventurous, you can now select chocolate-covered Peeps (in milk or dark chocolate.)  Diabetics may indulge in the sugar-free Peeps, though it's sort of like Decaffeinated coffee - it simulates the experience but not the true feeling.)

Incidentally, if you were beginning to wonder whether this entire column was going to be about Easter Candy - it's not - but it easily could be.  We haven't even gotten to the magic that is a bag of Brach's Candy Chicks and Rabbits.  Another time....

I'm not going to do a full recap of my week - though I do have a few quick tales to tell.

First, if you're in Chicago, check out the 33 Club.  It's new American in a classic men's club setting - the high ceiling, the baroque decor, the big mahogany bar.  The places just has the feel of scotch and musk and hooking up with the guy from Mad Men (not that I've thought about that.)  The amish chicken was moist and flavorful, prepared with lots of fresh herbs and served with crispy Brussels Sprouts.  The pan-fried whitefish was flaky and light and tangy and salty in a lemon-butter sauce with lots of capers.

In Lincoln (yes, Nebraska.  Shut up.  I really like Nebraska - I've been going there for eight years.  Yet - though I can navigate the complexities of New York, Boston, and Los Angeles - I get lost driving from the Lincoln airport to downtown.  This is a distance of less than 5 miles, requiring only two roads.)  Anyway - in Lincoln we met with a pair of lobbyists that totally cracked me up.  She's a Democrat who worked for the former governor, a presidential candidate and the University; he's a Republican who covers K12 education.  Together they're like a comedy team.  She's chatty and direct, he's reticent and reserved.  They're like the James Carville and Mary Matalin of Nebraska.

And - shockingly - there's a delicious Indian restaurant right in downtown Lincoln.  If you're there, check out The Oven and get the Chicken Tikka.  And - if you're with a group like I was, order the mixed appetizer, which is basically a large tray of batter-fried goodies.  One had potatoes, one had chicken...there could have been an old sneaker underneath that crispy crust, I still would have eaten it.

(A prize to any reader who can come up with a way to deep-fry a Peep.)

And that's it for this week folks.  From the heartland to heartlessland (Manhattan) where we went to a cocktail party where either I got very drunk or someone actually tried to say Vera Farmiga (of Up in the Air) and called her Mia Formaggi (which I think is awesome.)  I couldn't have been that drunk - before we headed over there Neil made Backcountry Bolognese from this month's Bon Appetit (I probably needn't state that he replaced the Antelope sausage with regular sausage, and ground venison with ground beef.  Antelope being hard to find - or shoot - here in the West 70s.)

We're heading out to my sister's for dinner tonight, which I imagine will bring me full circle to the sounds of,  "Mommymommymommymommymommymommy."

Out of the Woods

Apparently, the cop at the entrance to the Greenwich Village Equinox was there because Tiger Woods's mistress was there, and the paparazzi was out of control.  


Ok, before everyone jumps all over me for writing about this, let me indicate 4 reasons why this is news, even though the Tiger Woods story, in general, is NOT:


1.  Tagging onto something this stupid but over-reported is bound to improve this blog's results in search.
2.  It  permits me to illustrate the proper grammatical usage of a singular possessive when the possessor's name ends in "s".  The usage of "s'" is commonly substituted but is often (though not alway) incorrect.
3.  Any time a cop is in an Equinox for any reason other than to arrest someone for jacking off in the steam room is news.


Maybe the reason we're getting so much of Tiger-gate (Wood-er-gate?) is because the sex scandal of an admired, accomplished professional athlete is a refreshing change from all those sex scandals about politicians, many of whom are neither admired nor accomplished.

Although maybe that's not fair.  A fair portion of an entire political party has accomplished the Herculean task of convincing a segment of the American people that scientific facts are a mere matter of opinion.  After all, just because Darwin believed in God and evolution doesn't mean you're allowed to; much more fun to see if we can get broad swaths of the citizenry to live like ignorant fools.  Oh, and that whole global warming thing - apparently it's still clearly up for debate - and I'm afraid it might remain so until we're harvesting cotton and tobacco in New Hampshire.  (This year's Christmas tree: Douglas Fir or Coconut Palm?  Discuss.)


In our regular reality TV update, I am pleased to report that the cute brothers from The Amazing Race did NOT win, but came in second to Megan and Cheyne (stupidest name ever.)  Those two really did deserve to win, they managed to work together - and be NICE to each other - through the whole season, and came in first on most of the legs of the race.  The brothers, however, pretty much whined and bitched at each other across eastern Europe.  And the cuter one was fat.


However, the hot brothers on Top Chef totally won.  The duller one coming in second, with the younger (and cuter - looks matter) one winning.  In all seriousness, though, this was the best season of Top Chef ever if you were a foodie.  From the beginning, there were at least six seriously talented chefs, and they were all interesting to watch.  Plus, all six of them made it to the Top 7, so there were very few shockingly early eliminations.  Also, there was so much talent at the very top, that any of the four finalists could conceivably have won, without argument.  So much more interesting than the season I spent sitting around waiting for that cute little Butterball Stephanie to beat the pants off that creepy Richard Blais.  

I have to admit, it actually was a really touching episode, and I'm always so moved by the Top Chef finale.  It's great to see people who've worked so hard get recognized for it, and the contestants always seem to find so much joy in cooking.  As it should be.


In cooking news, most of what we've made this week is something I've already given you the recipe for, so I'm stealing today's recipe from my sister, who got it from Martha Stewart Everyday Food.  She loves this magazine - she says it's really well organized.  Every month they give you a vegetable, tell you when it is in season, discusses how to prep it (if necessary) and gives you a few recipes for it.  They do the same with other food categories, kitchen tools, etc - giving you an introduction to a particular item, provide information and background, then options for how to use it practically.  


Last night she made her family (they of the "I cook for these clowns every night" comment) a Roasted Vegetable Lasagna.  While it was cooking, my niece Cassidy (3 and a half) came up and said, "Mommy that smells delicious."

• You'll need:
• Coarse salt
• 2 pounds eggplant, peeled and cut lengthwise into 1/4-inch-thick slices
• 2 pounds zucchini, cut lengthwise into 1/4-inch-thick slices
• 1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil, for brushing
• Freshly ground pepper
• 3 medium red onions, cut into 1/2-inch rings
• 5 ounces goat cheese
• Marinara
• Fresh Lasagna Noodles (you will need about 1/2 of the batch), cut into 4-by-13-inch strips and cooked, or store-bought dried noodles, cooked
• 1/4 cup loosely packed fresh marjoram leaves, roughly chopped
• 2 ounces finely grated Pecorino Romano cheese (3/4 cup)

Here's what you'll do:

1. Preheat oven to 500 degrees. Sprinkle 2 tablespoons salt over eggplant slices, and let drain for 45 minutes.
2. Meanwhile, place zucchini in a single layer on oiled baking sheets. (Work in batches if necessary.) Brush with oil, and season with salt and pepper. Bake, rotating pans halfway through, until tender and just starting to brown, 10 to 12 minutes. Let cool slightly, then transfer to a dish.
3. Place onion rings in a single layer on oiled baking sheets. (Work in batches if necessary.) Brush with oil, and season with salt and pepper. Bake until tender and browned, 10 to 15 minutes. Let cool slightly, then chop into 1/2-inch pieces. Mix with goat cheese in a small bowl.
4. Gently press eggplant slices between double layers of paper towels to remove excess liquid. Place eggplant in a single layer on oiled baking sheets (work in batches if necessary.) Brush with oil, and season with pepper. Bake until tender and golden, 6 to 9 minutes.
5. Reduce oven temperature to 375 degrees. Spread 1/2 cup of marinara in a 9-by-13-inch baking dish. Place a layer of noodles over marinara. Layer eggplant on top of noodles. Spread 1/2 of the goat cheese mixture over eggplant. Spread 1 cup marinara over cheese layer, and sprinkle with 2 tablespoons marjoram. Repeat layering once, replacing eggplant with zucchini (noodles, zucchini, goat cheese, marinara, marjoram). Place a layer of noodles on top. Spread remaining marinara on top of noodles, and sprinkle with Pecorino Romano cheese.
6. Place baking dish on a rimmed baking sheet. Bake until cheese is golden and sauce is bubbling, about 45 minutes. Let stand for 15 minutes before slicing and serving.

Want the recipe in printable format?  Just go here.

Those of you who have been following may be wondering where the Christmas Cookie recipe is - but I'm suspending today's cookie recipe in honor of the onset of Hanukkah.  Yes, I know, I've said some pretty nasty things about Hanukkah recently, but I've been forced to re-visit my opinion of the holiday.

No, not by my mother.

By Mormon Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT).   Hatch - like many Republicans - is a huge fan of Jews and of Israel.  (So disorienting --- it's like finding out the Focus on the Family Guy, James Dobson, watches Will and Grace reruns and goes to Drag Bingo.)  Anyway, Senator Hatch is such a fan of the tribe that he's applied his talent for songwriting (the dissonance just grows, doesn't it?) to penning a song about Hanukkah.

Yes, of course it will suck.  All Hanukkah songs suck.  No trees, no Santa, and it's hard to get something to rhyme with Dreidel (or coupon or Florida, or anything else that would be in a song about a Jewish winter holiday.)  Plus, there isn't a great tradition of snappy ditties written by Mormon Republicans from Utah.  

Still, as signs of the apocalypse go, I'll take that over Tiger's mistress on the Stairmaster.

Sweeped Away

Maybe I would be cuter if I had a brother?

Have you been watching reality television this year?  Cute brothers are this year's competition reality raison d'etre.  Which, quite frankly, is a welcome change from the standard issue "token gay team," "inspiring handicapped contestant," and "sweet old people who make it further than you think they would but still lose."  Thankfully, they haven't totally pre-empted the "couple on the verge of marriage who clearly aren't getting there because he's an abusive dick or she's a totally manipulative whiny bitch."

Because that's the reason I participate in pop culture to begin with.  Well, that and special moments like Sarah Palin's book.  Really, am I the only one who expected it to be a Pop-Up book?  Wouldn't that have been fun?  Like, you turn the page to the Chapter on Foreign Policy and there's Alaska and you can tug on the Aleutian Archipelago (string of islands that make Alaska look like it has a tail" and a Russian castle appears with Vladimir Putin waving at Sarah.

But more about television later.

This week has been all about agents.  First, I spent a lot of time negotiating with real estate agents over a house we saw last weekend that we're trying to buy.  I think half the reason I want to buy it is the crash in the real estate market.  Usually I get involved in something five minutes before its market tanks (I starting working at international software company SAP one month before the tech bubble burst. )  For once, I feel like I have a chance to get in after the damage has been done and prices are at or close to rock bottom.

So, of course, after we negotiate our way to a deal, my agent calls me to tell me the seller wants to raise the price.  You'd laugh and think this is uncommon, but this is the second time we've tried to buy a house only to have the seller try to raise the price.  Call me crazy, but isn't this basically the equivalent of going to a restaurant, ordering dinner, and then having the waiter saw, "Yeah, I know the menu says $14.95, but we decided we want to charge you $19.95."

Oh - and the best part: the seller owns multiple properties and lives in a penthouse on the Upper East Side.  So there was no way we were agreeing to a price increase.  At the end of the day, she stuck by the deal, but not without spending needless cycles getting right back to where we started.

I also dealt with theatrical agents.  First, trying to get one for myself, as I find myself getting more and more opportunities in hosting and developing television shows, and knowing less and less about how to protect myself and represent my own interests.  Thankfully, some good friends have helped me get in touch with the agents they work with and trust, but one experience stands out.  An agent who had passed on my portfolio a few months ago was contacted, since his agency does a lot of hosting work.  Despite the fact that I wasn't even asking him to fully represent me, just freelance for one project because I'm fairly far along and don't understand the process.  He wouldn't even take a meeting.

I know I'm supposed to be stolid and confident through all of this, because there are always more "no"s than "yes"es in this business, but stuff like that really torpedoes my confidence.  I mean, if I can make it fairly far along a casting process for a pretty major network and still not generate interest, what the heck do I have to do?

And finally, I dealt with gate agents.  I had to fly to DC on Wednesday morning.  You'd think that US Air Shuttle, with 15 flights from New York to Washington every day - on the hour! - would be a little more efficient in moving people through the airport.  I don't know why they even both to have four security lanes when there's never more than one open at any given time.  I mean, if they aren't opening additional lanes during the morning and evening rushes, when people are flying in for a day's worth of meetings and the line is nearly a hundred people deep, when the hell do they open it?  2pm when soap operas are on and they want to move people through so they can find out if Nicole is really Fred, the former Navy Seal who had a sex change after finding out his psychotic twin brother fathered a half-Cambodian girl that Lisa served gruel to at a soup kitchen before conscripting her into a prostitution ring run by Freemasons?

By the way, in the shuttle departure lounge at LaGuardia, you can always tell who is going to Boston and who is going to DC.  The Boston passengers are generally younger, maybe students, a little edgier and interesting.  The DC passengers are the ugly people in suits.

I spent my day in meetings, then came back to New York (miraculously leaving downtown DC at 5:15 and making it to National Airport in time to clear security and board a 6pm shuttle.  Which somehow left on time.  Evening flights NEVER leave on time for LaGuardia.

When I landed, I called Neil and we agreed to meet at one of our favorite restaurants on the west side, 44andX, at Tenth Avenue and 44th St.  44 and X is a New American restaurant that's been in Hell's Kitchen since long before it was the trendy place that young homos moved to because they could no longer afford Chelsea.

Neil and I shared the chopped salad to start - a Mediterranean inspired salad that includes hearts of palm, avocado, chickpeas and feta.  We were both also really intrigued by the pork, so we got the same dish: an ancho chile rubbed pork tenderloin served atop an almond polenta.  The pork was perfectly cooked, and the nuttiness of the polenta - which was creamy and slightly sweet - cut the salt an spice of the pork perfectly.

We go to 44 and X quite a bit.  The owner and manager, Scott Hart, has been in the neighborhood for years, contributes to local charities particularly those involving the Broadway community, and is always working the restaurant making sure his customers are happy.  He's an excellent host - check out his restaurant.  And for brunch, try the sister location, just up the block, called 44 and 1/2.

Which brings us back to television.  Isn't November sweeps month?  Why did nothing happen on any of my shows this week?  Project Runway had the dull Tim-goes-to-visit-the-finalists-at-their-homes-and-has-dinner-with-their-supportive/skeptical/charming/crazy/old-world-families.  There's always a wacky best friend or a distant father, as well as Tim looking concerned over some piece in their collection that isn't fit for a pet boutique, but other wise the episode is always a total dud; nothing but filler.  BO-ring.

How I Met Your Mother was a snore where Neil Patrick Harris and Cobie Smulders spent the episode in fat suits and old-age make-up, stumbling through the paces of "old married couple" jokes.

Even Melrose Place was low on the suds this week, with some sappy storyline about David taking his little brother to the amusement park.  After the kid gets hurt, his dad, the ever-nasty Michael Mancini is pissed, but becomes tender and touched when David says he just wants to spend time with his little brother.  This is the same guy who once left his psychotic wife to develop a brain aneurysm so he could take advantage of a vulnerable cancer patient. Thankfully, that cancer patient was Amanda Woodward, and she's back next week.

Which leaves us with the only things worth watching this week: on Top Chef, the Chefrechaun and the Hot Brothers were once again on top, while crazy Robin, who lasted a few weeks past her level of competence, was finally the victim of a mercy killing.

And on the Amazing Race, we have the first-ever team of gay brothers: Sam and Dan McMillen.  Sam and Dan brothers from Missouri who recently came out to each other (and 15 million viewers) and decided to run the race.  Once is more introverted, one is a model, and both are born-again Christians.

Evangelicious.


THE LAST WORD:


Do This, New York:

Check out 44 & X.

Stick with Top Chef and Amazing Race


Don't Do This, New York:

You can pretty much dump everything else from this past week's TiVo.  Feh.